Micky Duxbury: Making Room in Our Hearts

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Child-centered adoption means remembering that the child is of two worlds, and for that child to grow up as one integrated person, he will have the task of putting those worlds together. Adoptive and birth parents can help children weave these worlds into a cohesive braid that is the reality of their lives as adopted persons.

Rhonda, adoptive mother: "I want people to understand that open adoption is a gift - not a burden. Some say, 'Don't worry, in a few years, she will move on and you won't have her in your life so much.' On the contrary, we hope we will have a relationship with the birth family forever and we want that for our son."

Having been born under the closed adoption system some forty-something years ago, it was a profoundly moving experience for me to read about families who have come to embrace openness for their children. I believe that the adoption community is moving in a brave and important new direction, and that Duxbury's book will provide a vital map for families and professionals alike. I am grateful for this work and only wish that it had been the standard of practice while I was growing up.

Susan Ito, adult adoptee and co-editor of A Ghost At Heart's Edge: Stories & Poems of Adoption

Lisa, a birth mother: "My advice to birth and adoptive parents would be the same: kids deserve to know who they are and where they come from. It can be painful and complicated in the beginning, but it gets easier. Adoptive parents need to remember that birth parents don't want to parent. We made a choice, and it was not made lightly. We can provide guidance, be a confident, a close and special friend, but we are not parents."

Juliana, whose adoption was opened when she was in her early teens, speaking at age 19: "I know that if I had had the option of connecting to my birth family when I was younger, I wouldn't have felt so lost. It's the little things, like whose eyes do I have, that really matter - you don't know what life is like without it. Not knowing these things can build and build until you are lost inside. I feel so different as a person now that I know who I am."

Alisha, whose adoption was opened when she was seven, speaking at age 13: "My advice to birth and adoptive parents is that they should ask themselves how would they feel about not having an identity, not knowing where they came from. Knowing your birth parents makes you feel just like everyone else and you can feel better about yourself. If you had a choice, you would probably say yes to knowing more about who you are and I am glad my family has given me that choice!"